Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Strange dreams and care packages

So I've been having the strangest dreams the last few months.
Now I normally do have very vivid dreams, and as both my family and closest friends can attest, I do have a habit of sleep walking/talking.

But lately it has gotten worse - or odder maybe. I wake up in this panic and I just know I have totally forgotten something. Or that something terrible is sure to happen or even has happened. So I've been trying to keep track of these dreams, but I can never really remember what has me so panicked or what it is that I have forgotten or why it's so bad even that I've forgotten it.

I do know it is something about the nursery, the baby that I was supposed to put in there and forgot maybe....it's never anything I can put my finger on, just vague feelings. All I do know is that I always end up in either Simone's room or the "babies room" and have a sense of relief when I do "wake up" and realize it was just a dream. But still my heart is pounding and I am short of breath and shaky all over. I always have to sit in Simone's room for a minute to make sure she's OK. And I am left still with that feeling that I've forgotten something hugely important or that something bad occurred.

So, after laying awake a lot last night (yes, after another one of those dreams) I think I've maybe got an explanation. I think it could be anxiety over this adoption. Yes, I know Duh, what else, but I don't normally get this way. I guess my heart knows Wei-Che SHOULD be in that room, but he isn't yet so I'm getting a bit anxious. At least in my dreams. On the surface I've been cucumber cool.
And I really am not getting worried or upset, gosh we just got logged into the courts so I haven't been hanging on here for ages, I have no reason to worry. But I think just the knowledge that he is so far away, and here we go on with our daily lives, not even sure whether to call him our son (because technically he's not officially our son yet) or our referral or what... and we're just waiting for the powers that be over in Taiwan to send us through the courts, with no ability to push it along or oversee the process or even advocate for our own case. (I do know our agency is doing all of that, but Hello... type A over here is not pleased with relinquishing that control)

I think it's also part of the reason I've been having such a hard time with Wei-Che's first care package. I just can't seem to get it together and out to him. I guess partly because of the implications in the name..."care package". I mean don't get me wrong, I adore our little guy, and want to feel this connection to him that sending it will maybe provide. But once I start caring for him it's so much more real, and I have that much more to lose.

Plus I'm not really caring for him, he's half way around the world with somebody else who is feeding/burping/changing him. A someone who will not be his Mama for the rest of his life, and yet here I am, Mama...sending onsies and a rattle via the united states postal service to help care for him.
Crazy thoughts, I know. To go with my crazy dreams.

BUT I promise I am not venting or ranting or even upset at all. I just am putting all of the odd ball thoughts rolling around in my head down on "paper". I'm doing it to help me remember all of these emotions of waiting for my baby #2 to come home, because I know once he is in my arms I will forget all these feelings of insecurity and helplessness. Yet these feelings are part of his story, the story of how he came to be my son.

So often I forget all of the very same feelings I did have during Simone's adoption. I forget those pangs of wanting her in my arms so desperately it caused many nights of tears and sleeplessness, of the needing to believe she was safe and loved so far away, even if not by me. I forget the fears and anxiety during those months of waiting to travel to China to be united with her, to become her Mama. I forget because of the immense joy and feelings of love that I have for her now.

And so I know we will find our way to little Wei-Che and then I will forget about these sleepless nights and these desperate yearnings for him to be home. Because our little man will be right where he belongs. With his family...


Nicole said...

Hang in there-you'll get through it-it'll come sooner than you expect! Here's hoping you have a quick social worker and judge.
If it's any consolation-i'm sure he's in very good hands-the foster parents are wonderful in Taiwan!

Terry said...

Your thoughts are not crazy, just concern filled with lots of love! You are thinking about him and wishing for him to be home, and he will be soon.
Crossing my fingers for a smooth process and Happy Shopping for your package filled with LOVE! :-)

Lisa said...

Oh Jen...I knew you were experiencing vivid dreams, but I had no idea of the extent.

But I have to say that if anything could cause such dreams or panic attacks ( or exaggerate them!) its adoption.....the anxiety....the unknown...the worry......the agony of waiting......and yes, ultimately the joy.

Just like you, I presumed our second adoption would proceed with much less emotional drama...I was wrong...so wrong in fact that my name now appears in the dictionary beside the definition for "wrong". :)

And the care package can be bittersweet, much like the updates. I actually became cranky and restless before both! I was always relieved to have sent the package and grateful for even the slim connection, but anguished that I wouldn't experience him wearing the tiny sizes, discovering the new toy, etc.....but they were well worth sending and he adores the items that were sent ahead & returned to us!

Finally I wanted to say that you were so gracious to point out that your wait has been brief when compared to others....and heavens knows that some of our 'friends' have been suffering through unfair & horrible delays, waits and such....BUT honestly there are NO parts of the wait that are fun or easy. I so get that and please know I'm here for ya anytime!
Hugs!! Lisa

Robin said...

What intense dreams you are having. I have moments where I feel like I have forgotten something as well that I later realize is baby related. It is a strange feeling to have someone so important to your heart to be in the care of someone you don't know.