Monday, August 29, 2011

Boo Boo

So I'm painting the dinning room this week.

Have I ever mentioned how I really dislike painting.  I get the paint everywhere, and I truly mean EVERYWHERE- in my hair, on the wrong walls, on the bottom of my foot, which leads to paint all over the carpet.  Plus all the prep work and clean up...ughs.  It's an all day event just to prep, and even longer to wash everything out.  But I worked hard and plugged away, getting the bottom half of the wall done this morning.  Phew.  Tomorrow the top will be done with my bold new color choice, stony gray.

And then Sammy came in the room - my little force of nature himself.  And he swung the tool I was using to open the paint can.  It hit my JUST painted wall and made a scratch. 

On my just painted wall.

So I yelled hysterically gently scolded him as a good mother would.  I said "Sammy, you've made a boo boo on Mama's just painted wall.  Now what will I do?"

He took care of it for me.  All by himself!

I'm still not happy about my ding, but this does sort of make up for it. 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Could it be her?

All my life I've had those moments.
The ones where I see somebody and wonder...could it be her?  That face in a crowd that looks somehow familiar, somehow like I've seen a hint of it numerous times.  The color of eyes, the sound of a laugh or the shape of a face.  Maybe a facial expression or the set of lips.  My brain picks up on these cues (real or imagined) and causes me to just wonder....could it be?

Or sometimes it's more of an that woman at the grocery store with long blonde/brown hair and athletic build that stares at me just a bit long.  The traffic officer with kind eyes and about 16 years my senior, who looks on the verge of asking me something, something deep and important.  But never does.  Or the lady on the plane, the one that keeps looking my way with a sense of curiosity in her eyes.  Does one of these women know something I don't?  Could one of them be her?

These moments always leave me feeling this yearning...this feeling that I'm embarking on a search that will never give way to a resolution.  Scanning every crowd for that one face that ignites some spark of recognition.  Wondering if I've just walked past her and didn't even know it.
I guess when you don't know what your looking for it's hard to know if you've found it.  And I think sometimes you don't even know that you are looking in the first place.

Most often these moments leave me feeling like Choco the bird, asking (to myself only) "are you my mother?"  Could it be her?

Growing up not knowing "where" you came from is a complex emotion, one felt deeply by many adult adoptees.  I'm not even speaking about cultural, although for many adoptees that factors in.  I mean the just not knowing your genetic blueprint or medical background.  For me this leaves me feeling like there is always just a little something missing or forgotten on an emotional front.  And then on the medical front I have no "background".  Any of you who have filled out the endless forms at the doctors office knows exactly the feeling you are left with.  That sense of loss, yet again.  The sense of not knowing, never knowing just those few details about your own self!  

And being adopted during the closed adoption era means I have pretty much no idea of where I came from, aside from the "not too personal" items the social worker could pass along.  Eye/hair color, age and a guess at ethnic background I may have in me.  It means in order to find out where I came from...who she is....I'd have to petition a court with a valid reason to unseal my birth records.  And then hope once I got the records that the names haven't been blacked out as was sometimes done back then - To protect the privacy of the "biological" parent, you see.  Which means the courts felt that having knowledge of who they were could be damaging. But to whom?  To them, or me?  And just who was most damaged in the long run....?

So some of you may be saying "well if your so interested, why not take the plunge and find your birth parents"?   Well I'll just tell you why.

Because I'm actually not that interested.  Not in finding birth parents anyway.
What I'm searching for is a connection... but not to a particular person. More like a connection to ~ myself. A glimpse of...well of where I came from.  Just to be able to know the basics of my life before I became Jennifer. To have a genetic link - to some body, any body.   So I don't need any type of relationship with those in my past, just the history of me.   It's just about knowing, just simply knowing.

And there is one other reason, as crazy as it may be.  My sweet child will also never know where she came from..  She may find herself scanning the face of every Asian woman she comes across and wonder....Could it be her?  She may study different faces, eye shapes and body types and try to "fit herself in" to a specific one, just to have a mental image of what she may have come from.  Sure, she may spend her life just as pleased as can be with me for a Mom, but always yearn to know her genetic footprints.  And like me, she will not get that chance.

But I will be right beside her, maybe even when I'm old and grey- still scanning the crowd, still searching into eyes for that hint...

Wondering, Could it be her?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

More Florida fun

Ahhh yes, our fun in the sun continues!
Adam and I lived in Dunedin for many years and we were so excited to see the park right up the street from our old house built a splash pad!  We brought the kids and they played on the playground and splashed in the water.  We had been going to this park since we first got Emma, and then Ollie (the dogs...) and then Simone!  So it was just the right place to bring Sammy now too!

We went back and forth from water to play area!  I laugh as I type this because I've noticed that in almost all our photos we have the same things on...bathing suits!

The ice cream truck came by and Sammy really enjoyed his messy frozen treat.
All this activity naturally led to one of these....
Later that night we enjoyed a nice dinner with Cousin L!  The kids just adored her and the dinner was quite yummy.

The next day we had a real treat...
We went to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium where we got to see Winter, the dolphin, and many other sea creatures.  Winter has a movie coming out in the fall, so it was exciting to get to "meet" her!  This place is so cool because its a rescue, rehab and release center.  If the animals can be released back into the wild then they work toward that goal, if not they keep them and take care of them.  But what's really neat is the close proximity you are to the animals.  You could almost touch was just awesome!

Here's Hope, a baby dolphin.  We watched her for a very long time as she played and swam all over!
And this was a large adult male that swam all around his pool in circles, coming just inches from us!
And lots of stingrays!  Sammy loved splashing in the water.

After a few hours at the aquarium we headed to Clearwater Beach.....

We call this look "the Popeye".  We see it often and it cracks us up!

And after a few hours of sand and water play got some yummy seafood on the beach!  It was the perfect ending to a fun and sunny day!

 On our last morning we hit the pool one last time...trying to get a bit of pre-flight energy burnt off! And we had one more chance for some sweet photos before heading out!

And a goofy one too....

And then was time to go home.  It was such a quick trip and there really was so much more we wanted to do.  But I am so glad we had the time we was a great way to all be together and to really enjoy a sunny vacation!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Florida Vacation

Of course its hot as blazes here so where do we choose to go on vacation...?  Well, a location even hotter than here!  We decided to take a last minute mini vacation to Florida.  And naturally I took a billion pictures, well okay - 187 to be exact, either way I will be overloading this blog with pics of my kids!

We flew this time, and for Sammy it was an amazing treat!  He's obsessed with anything that has an engine or motor so the airport was pure delight for him! 
And we landed to a super hot Clearwater.  But even being hot it was beautiful, you just can't beat that ocean air and views!

First thing we did was head to the pool!  Being in our old stomping grounds meant lots of family time with aunts, uncle and cousins!

The kids loved seeing all of the family and had so much fun hanging out.  To see the joy that family brings to my two is wonderful and heart warming!

And being in Florida we got some yum-yum-yummy Challah bread!  Yes folks, this was hugely exciting for us.  We just can't find good bread here, unless somebody makes it(and I don't bake soo..)!

Here's a picture of that beauty...
We also hit a local favorite food joint.  This is an old mobile home on the Causeway that has the best food and some ice cold beer.  The kids loved it, and it was cool because we used to bring Simone here when she was Sammy's age!

Simone's fish n'chips.  She thought it was that good...good enough to take a picture of! 
Since we had a convertible the kids wanted to just drive around a lot..."top off" is all Sammy would say!  While we were just driving and we'd just stop wherever we thought looked interesting. 

We found this park with a boardwalk and had a nice walk.

And found some stingrays!

We also took a boat ride (yes, another Sammy favorite....Simone enjoyed immensely too!) over to Caledisi Island.  What an amazing beach that is!  We had a great day playing in the sand and waves, collecting shells and searching for wildlife!  We even saw a few dolphins on the ride over!

Look you see it?               Yep, a turtle! 
Sammy & I scoured the island looking for turtles and just as we were getting on the ferry boat to go back we spotted it!
It was such a fun day at the beach and we were all tired and sandy when we got "home". 

Later that night we had a lovely dinner with one of my oldest friends and her family.  The kids had a grand time swimming in the pool with Myla, the pug!  Sammy is still talking about her!

And now I'll end this blog entry with Myla, the swimming pug. 

We'll call this "chapter one" of our Florida vacation because there are plenty more photos to come!