Thursday, March 3, 2011

Just let go.....

That's what Simone told me.

"Just let him go,'ll be alright" she said.

It was as simple as letting go of Sammy so he could glide down the slide into her waiting arms.  But her words...let go...well, they haunted me and gave me a pit in my stomach. 

It was more than just the slide- of course it was.  It was about this internal struggle I have regularly, this wish to keep him my baby forever but knowing I have to let him grow.  The knowledge that I must be the one to push him forward, to guide him and to not take the easier road, that path where I hold tight to his babyhood and keep him all to myself.  It was all about letting go.

It seemed easier with Simone, almost like a drifting.  We drifted apart, we drifted back.  She never seemed too far away, like I never fully released her.  Maybe it was because I knew there would be another, once she grew a bit I'd have baby #2 to love and cuddle.  But Sammy appears to be it, my last baby. 
Or maybe it was because she was my first child and I was still too naive in not realizing just how quickly they do grow, just how fast I'd lose my baby to childhood.  Now I know better.

I guess what really started me thinking on this path was a remark his new teacher said to me.  Ah, yes...I did say new teacher.  You see, Sammy has started day care, just two days a week.  Two very long days for me.
But back to his teacher.  She told me "Sammy needs to start getting used to others helping him and being here for him.  It's not always going to be Mama doing for him, and he needs to understand that". 

Harsh words?  Or plain honesty....?

Well either way, I felt like telling her how wrong she was.  I wanted to let her know that she didn't understand- that it is my job, my duty and my biggest joy to take care of him.  That's what I do....I tie the shoes, fix the meals, brush the teeth, get the juice, rock to sleep.  I make sure they are happy, fed and clean.  I worry about them, feel pride in their every accomplishment and amaze at all the love I feel for them.  Me- Mama.  

Oh, how I felt like yelling at her "I waited too long for him, prayed too hard for him and wanted so badly to get him.  I can't just let you have him"! 

And I felt like running away from her, from there, and just keeping him all to myself, never letting him go.   I wanted to keep him in these moments, these moments where Mama is all he needs, the only one he wants.   I keep trying to hold on to this stage of his life that passes all to quickly - but I know I can't.  I can't even slow it down.  He'll grow, my Sammy Wei, and soon enough he'll be letting go of me.

So for now I'll just have to trust in those words.
I'll have to just let go....


Julie and Dean said...

Oh Jen, your thoughts and mine are so similar. but want to hear something ironic. As I look at pictures from our playdate I think, "oh how lucky for jen. her baby is still a baby. My baby looks like school age boy"
I asked Stevie the other day if he would be my baby forever and he made a HUGE sigh and then said "listen mommy, I just have to go grow up alright" NOOOO it's not alright I felt like screaming back!

Lisa said...

((hugs)) I don't think there is a single one of us Mamas out here that doesn't understand explicitly just what you shared and just what you are experiencing!

It IS the feeling ( like a punch? ) in your tummy as you realize they seem suddenly closer toddler or Preschooler than baby! And its pride and joy mingled right in with a tinge of sadness, knowing a "pause" button just doesn't exist. And honestly I don't know if we would even use that button (if we could!) cuz each day brings a new delight.....but every once in a while.....well....hard to say! :)

Sending thoughts tonight and understanding......

michelle said...

I totally feel the same way as you do. Lexie almost throws a fit when I want to help her because she wants to do everything by herself. It's so hard to let go because we all waited so long for them to be put into our arms and they grow up so quickly. It's just not fair!!

I wish our babies could stay babies forever!! But I know we need to give them their wings to fly. We have to trust that they know that they can always run back into our arms because they'll always be open to them.

Take care!