Sometimes I am just amazed at the fact that I am actually a Mama.
No really, how did this happen?
When did I grow up and become responsible enough, not only for myself, but to be a mom to some body else? Who made the decision that I could do this huge job? I am still, almost four years after traveling 1/2 way across the world for her, astounded that I have a daughter, and another baby"on the way" (did you all try to look at my tummy?). How did I get to be so lucky, to be granted this wonderful gift of being a Mom, and not just mom to anyone- but to this fantastic child?! Not only is this a true gift, but also a huge life-long & life altering journey, this being a mom stuff!
Last night I was watching my little/big girl twirling around and singing in the front yard and it just struck me! I was just in shock that this was my little girl. I had to stop and think about that - that I am her mom and she is my child...Wow! And it seems like she was a baby just yesterday! And now she is this beautiful girl who can talk up a storm, reason with me when needed and even pour her own juice! Ah, the simple moments in life that can shake you and make realize/wonder at something bigger being at play here.
But my mind goes back to wondering how this all happened?
So I thought about it, a lot. Why do we choose to become Moms? Why did I? And do we really even have a choice here? She is so obviously my daughter (and I know all of you are nodding your heads thinking of your own little ones, and how they are soooo your kids) so was she coming into my life no matter what I wanted, one way or another? Did I need to go through all I did to have her in my life because she was destined to be mine (or I was destined to be hers maybe) and there's just no way around it and no buts about it? Is that why the process for #2 is going the way it is, do we again have to wait for the right time, wait for our baby to be born?
Is it all just fate? Maybe it's that invisible red thread? Or God? Perhaps it's all of the above? And if so, are these really just the same thing... one superior will, just called by different names depending on your faith?
And what makes a mom? Is it simply having a child, through birth or adoption? Is that really all it takes, or is it more? Is it having a child you love so deeply and truly that it sometimes aches, that it keeps you up at night, wondering over all of the choices you make and if they are right, wondering what your child's future holds, and wondering if you'll do the right things to help make them strong, honest and good adults? How is it that we as adoptive moms do not give birth to our children, yet love them like they are a part of our very soul and pieces of our hearts? Because we just do and they are part of our very being... I don't know how, it just is that way.
And so my mind wanders back again to how did this happen? What have I gotten myself into and how in the world will I pull this off?
I don't think I'll find any answers, I know just have to believe it is all how it's meant to be and leave it at that. I am a Mama and will be again (soon?). And as amazing and awe-inspiring as becoming a Mama is, it's also one of the simplest and purest of blessings we can ever hope to have in our lives. No matter how it happened...