So I pick Simone up yesterday from school and as usual we clean out the folder full of her artistic creations of the day. In the bottom of the folder were two pieces of pink paper with some coloring on them. Simone insisted we take them, too. I said of course and asked what they were. She told me "it is a heart, my heart, but it's now in two halves". I asked why, what happened? And she responded "well, one half is for my China Mommy, who could not keep me, the other half is for you, my real Mama, the two halves of my heart. This pretty one's yours because your so pretty and this one is for her...because it is". Wow. I asked as we were getting into the car if she had shared her heart story with anyone, like her BFF, and she simply replied "nope, just you". I then asked if she wanted me to hold both halves, to keep them safe, she said "yep" and that was that.
Now any of you who know Simone may not be too surprised by this little story, she is very bright and very intuitive and as my Mom once put it "deep". But as her Mama, and as an adoptive Mom (and adoptee) I wonder just how deep this all is. I wonder how much thought went into her heart? I hope it is a good thing and shows she trusts me to hold something so precious for safe keeping (now where did I leave that any way - I'm just kidding!). I hope this means she is understanding what we read and talk about, and I hope it means she will continue with this confidence in us as her parents, and her trust in us to be able to discuss her feelings and thoughts with us openly.
But I worry, too. Do I talk about it, about adoption, too much with her? Or is she just trying to gauge how it all fits together? Is this maybe a sign that she feels grief or the loss of her Birth Mother, and if so, will she always feel it? Or is this her way of keeping her "China Mommy" in her life, in her heart? Perhaps she is testing out where in her life, and our lives, that other unknown person fits.
But the most important thing about this heart is what it has shown me, even if for her it was just a random thought, an idea that left her as quickly as she thought it up. Because for me it was a reminder that no matter how much I love and adore my precious daughter, and no matter how often I just forget that she is adopted- that she is not flesh of my flesh, that She will always remember. That for her there are these two other people who will forever share in the miracle of my daughter's very being, that they will always hold a piece of her heart, and she theirs. And yes, I am thankful to them for the gift that I have received in Simone, and as much as my own heart aches for the choices they had to make, it rejoices in the fact that I will forever be her Mama. And for me that means "although she did not grow under my heart, she definitely grew in it".