Wednesday, December 10, 2008

OK, so it's like this...

I'm in a kinda funky place. It's hard to explain, it's like I've been so busy checking items off my adoption to-do list that I've left out, forgotten or misplaced something. You see, with Simone I so desperately wanted & needed a baby, to create my family. And I had all the emotions in place. The yearning for a family, the bated breath excitement of the wait, the elation of the referral, all there and at my disposal, and I freely used them all and enjoyed those emotions. Now don't get me wrong, I still desperately want our next little addition, and to complete our family, but I can't seem to find the emotions that go with all of it. I guess I can't believe, now that we are "on the waiting list", that I can get that magical phone call that will again change my life, all of our lives, at any time. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be feeling now, I haven't bonded with this not yet existing in my realm baby. So what do I do when the call comes??? Will I finally feel it all, will I cry and blubber (as I am known to do, watching commercials even), or will I just say "great, thanks" and go on like it is an order being confirmed? What should I feel?
I do feel nervous, anxious and a bit cranky...but I don't feel like this is all real yet. Maybe that is it, reality hasn't quite sunk in (don't know how, I've gone through all the steps in my little checklist- I've opened up my entire personal life, medical history, family history, all emotional scars have been shown and analyzed, I've gotten fingerprinted twice, proven I'm not a criminal, produced documentation to back all of it up, and I think I've even been prodded a can I not feel the reality?) Ok then, so when will I feel it, when does it sink in?
And here's my other dilemma, all of the what ifs...what if I'm not a good Mama, should I risk putting another child through this? what if Simone doesn't handle a new baby well? (she is my baby still, how can I break her heart?) what if we get a referral and the Birth Mom changes her mind? what if they decide we aren't suitable to have another child and we sit in this limbo of anxiety for years? what if... oh the list in my head goes on.
And maybe, just a slight maybe though, I am a bit dramatic. I never denied that is a huge part of who I am -blame my parents, they allowed freedom of expression in our house... but I truly do lie awake at night with these thoughts swirling through my head.
So my entry has turned in to a full blown ranting, and now I feel a bit better! I guess I will spend the rest of the day getting all these emotions in check and preparing myself that no matter what, the call will come, and I have a feeling I'll get it right. How can I not, it'll be the moment we officially "meet" the newest Friedman! I'm sure all the amazement and awesome feelings will pour on out. Wow, you all are probably hoping the call does come soon, how can you stand me like this for 3 more months!! J


Lisa said...

Oh, I'm just sending out a BIG HUGE ole hug your way right now! I know we danced around this a bit in a recent email, but I did not know you felt this so deeply. I absolutely don't think you are too dramatic ( love the freedom of expression add-in btw) :) and your feelings are your own, & therefore more than valid.

Deep breath for me here.....I truly don't think that any one of us who embarks on this journey called adoption( or Mama-hood for that matter) doesn't in some small way, guard their heart just a bit for all of those very same "what-ifs" that you so eloquently shared in your post.

I too asked I deserve another miracle? How can I love another as deeply as Lauren?

And yes, even.....Am I strong enough?....good enough?

In the end, so much of it just has seemed to melt away....the anxieties ( though they are still lurking around a bit! ), fears, even the mixed feelings of receiving "the call".( I worried about that moment too!) Its a big big call....forever changing the dynamics of your family & your heart. A wonderful call......a miracle call...... its the call to Motherhood & I think the very best Mamas do question themselves from time to time or even with frequency!

And you, my friend, are one of the best Mamas to behold! How do I can I be so certain? Cuz, I have seen you pour bits & pieces of your heart, mind & soul into your lovely writings and believe me when I are a great Mama & person, through & through!
I'm so glad you shared this with us all....thank you!

Lisa said...

P.S. One of these days I really am just gonna leave a brief comment! LOL The first step is admitting the problem, right? :) Is there a self help group for me out there?? :)

Suzy T. said...

Oh, Jennifer -
My wonderful, kind, sweet, generous, nervous Jennifer... You are, without a doubt, an absolutely fantastic mom! I will try to put aside my shock that you could even fathom the other possibility to tell you that you are and always have been destined to be a mother. Your family (Adam, Simone, extended family, all of them) has always been your biggest priority. Additionally, I was there for the first one: the tears, the joy, the fears, the adjustment, all of it. And I have never met another woman who has handled those emotionally taxing situations with such grace and strength. I understand that it doesn't feel the same this time as it did with Simone - but, honestly, I'm pretty sure it's the same way for any family dynamic that adds another, whether biologically or through adoption. Each child joining your family will have a different feel and add something totally unique. And that's a good thing! You have every right to be scared and nervous and constantly think about the "what ifs"... But, really, that right there is the perfect evidence that you are and will always be a wonderful mama. ;o)

You should listen to your friend Lisa... Sounds like she knows exactly what she's talking about!

I love you. And my ear is always available for a phone call, and I will never judge you or think you're a bad person if you say something out of emotion. I have complete and total faith that, while it will definitely be an adjustment, you're doing exactly what you're supposed to.


QingLu Mama said...

Thank you, my dear sweet friends!
You girls know how to make me get a little teared up, ya know...
But thanks for the wonderful support!

Teresa said...

You just captured the exact emotions I was feeling after we sent our dossier to China for OUR baby #2! The feelings are NORMAL! Really, they are.

I remember getting our referral for #2 and telling the women in my Bible study that I felt excitement when we first got her referral, but then that waned a bit and I told them that I didn't feel love for her. One of them wisely said, "Don't you think you're being hard on yourself trying to love a child you've never met?"


I had more "what-ifs" than you can imagine and I was awake more nights than I can count! All the same what-ifs as yours and then some!


There are no rules on what to "feel" and no protocol on what is proper. I liken the process to an arranged marriage done by perfect strangers across the ocean.

Warm baths, Sees chocolates with a nice port wine, and spending time with Simone-just the two of you- are some of the best things right now. Especially the last one. That one-on-one time is precious and even without the new addition, it will slip by before you know it.