I'm in a kinda funky place. It's hard to explain, it's like I've been so busy checking items off my adoption to-do list that I've left out, forgotten or misplaced something. You see, with Simone I so desperately wanted & needed a baby, to create my family. And I had all the emotions in place. The yearning for a family, the bated breath excitement of the wait, the elation of the referral, all there and at my disposal, and I freely used them all and enjoyed those emotions. Now don't get me wrong, I still desperately want our next little addition, and to complete our family, but I can't seem to find the emotions that go with all of it. I guess I can't believe, now that we are "on the waiting list", that I can get that magical phone call that will again change my life, all of our lives, at any time. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be feeling now, I haven't bonded with this not yet existing in my realm baby. So what do I do when the call comes??? Will I finally feel it all, will I cry and blubber (as I am known to do, watching commercials even), or will I just say "great, thanks" and go on like it is an Amazon.com order being confirmed? What should I feel?
I do feel nervous, anxious and a bit cranky...but I don't feel like this is all real yet. Maybe that is it, reality hasn't quite sunk in (don't know how, I've gone through all the steps in my little checklist- I've opened up my entire personal life, medical history, family history, all emotional scars have been shown and analyzed, I've gotten fingerprinted twice, proven I'm not a criminal, produced documentation to back all of it up, and I think I've even been prodded a bit...how can I not feel the reality?) Ok then, so when will I feel it, when does it sink in?
And here's my other dilemma, all of the what ifs...what if I'm not a good Mama, should I risk putting another child through this? what if Simone doesn't handle a new baby well? (she is my baby still, how can I break her heart?) what if we get a referral and the Birth Mom changes her mind? what if they decide we aren't suitable to have another child and we sit in this limbo of anxiety for years? what if... oh the list in my head goes on.
And maybe, just a slight maybe though, I am a bit dramatic. I never denied that is a huge part of who I am -blame my parents, they allowed freedom of expression in our house... but I truly do lie awake at night with these thoughts swirling through my head.
So my entry has turned in to a full blown ranting, and now I feel a bit better! I guess I will spend the rest of the day getting all these emotions in check and preparing myself that no matter what, the call will come, and I have a feeling I'll get it right. How can I not, it'll be the moment we officially "meet" the newest Friedman! I'm sure all the amazement and awesome feelings will pour on out. Wow, you all are probably hoping the call does come soon, how can you stand me like this for 3 more months!! J