Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Just stuck

Yes, I hang my head.  I admit I've not been on the blog scene for a long time, both writing and reading.

You see, I just got stuck, a bit frozen inside. 
It started with the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary.  Suddenly I couldn't drive by Simone's school without bursting into tears.  I ached for those families, for those little lives so brutally taken.  I cried for the moments those children spent in terror without Mommy or Daddy - for some their last.  I felt such anguish on behalf of the brave teachers and the choices they were forced to make to protect those in their care -some with their own lives.   I thought constantly about what a waste that coward was - that evil being that committed that crime.  It was all just too much, to think some monster could just walk in to the place I thought my kids were safe - I guess we all became "collateral damage" that day.  The hurt I felt for the Sandy Hook community  mixed with this intense fear for my own children.   And my innocent way of thinking was stolen away, causing something in me to just freeze. 

So I had a hard time posting about my joys of parenthood, about being thrilled over the little things we did together and days we spent being a family.  There were so many that could never feel that again with their babes, these families grieving the loss of their own children.  I posted about our holidays with a heavy heart and just couldn't find it in me anymore. I was literally just stuck, there were no more words to bring out, no photos worth posting.

And then Boston happened.  
I sat glued to the TV,  praying for all those killed and those injured - maimed maybe physically and definitely emotionally for life.  I watched the victims, the survivors, and the heroes with a new rawness in my soul.  I felt that shock, the pain, and the fear that captured a city that I hold near and dear to my heart.  I heard the survivors stories with an unexplainable fascination.   And then I realized that yes indeed, life is short and the joys of it can be taken away so quickly by something as terrible as a terrorist act, or something less newsworthy but still devastating, like disease or accidents or....anything.  But that should not prevent us from still living. 

When I  started this blog it was to have a written log of our adoption journey and beyond. I realized as I write each entry and add new photos that I am keeping a journal of sorts. One that I, or the kids, can go back into in years to come and relive these days.  I want to continue to document the simple joys and the complex events in years to come.  I want to be able to see and remember each moment as it was on that day, at that time.  And I also want to share my journey of adoption and life with two amazing kids with anyone who may be interested.  So for those very reasons I started this blog I am vowing to keep on with it.  My heart will still clench every time I drive by Simone's school, and my mind will always wander to those families, how could it not.   
So in the coming weeks I'll catch myself up, get some photos loaded and events documented.  A lot sure has happened - the kids have been growing so much, spring has sprung and life has been as busy as ever.

And maybe when you read my posts you'll say a little prayer, or send a kind thought for the lives, both little and big, taken too early through big or little tragedies.

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