Just stuck

Yes, I hang my head.  I admit I've not been on the blog scene for a long time, both writing and reading.

You see, I just got stuck, a bit frozen inside. 
It started with the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary.  Suddenly I couldn't drive by Simone's school without bursting into tears.  I ached for those families, for those little lives so brutally taken.  I cried for the moments those children spent in terror without Mommy or Daddy - for some their last.  I felt such anguish on behalf of the brave teachers and the choices they were forced to make to protect those in their care -some with their own lives.   I thought constantly about what a waste that coward was - that evil being that committed that crime.  It was all just too much, to think some monster could just walk in to the place I thought my kids were safe - I guess we all became "collateral damage" that day.  The hurt I felt for the Sandy Hook community  mixed with this intense fear for my own children.   And my innocent way of thinking was stolen away, causing something in me to just freeze. 

So I had a hard time posting about my joys of parenthood, about being thrilled over the little things we did together and days we spent being a family.  There were so many that could never feel that again with their babes, these families grieving the loss of their own children.  I posted about our holidays with a heavy heart and just couldn't find it in me anymore. I was literally just stuck, there were no more words to bring out, no photos worth posting.

And then Boston happened.  
I sat glued to the TV,  praying for all those killed and those injured - maimed maybe physically and definitely emotionally for life.  I watched the victims, the survivors, and the heroes with a new rawness in my soul.  I felt that shock, the pain, and the fear that captured a city that I hold near and dear to my heart.  I heard the survivors stories with an unexplainable fascination.   And then I realized that yes indeed, life is short and the joys of it can be taken away so quickly by something as terrible as a terrorist act, or something less newsworthy but still devastating, like disease or accidents or....anything.  But that should not prevent us from still living. 

When I  started this blog it was to have a written log of our adoption journey and beyond. I realized as I write each entry and add new photos that I am keeping a journal of sorts. One that I, or the kids, can go back into in years to come and relive these days.  I want to continue to document the simple joys and the complex events in years to come.  I want to be able to see and remember each moment as it was on that day, at that time.  And I also want to share my journey of adoption and life with two amazing kids with anyone who may be interested.  So for those very reasons I started this blog I am vowing to keep on with it.  My heart will still clench every time I drive by Simone's school, and my mind will always wander to those families, how could it not.   
 
So in the coming weeks I'll catch myself up, get some photos loaded and events documented.  A lot sure has happened - the kids have been growing so much, spring has sprung and life has been as busy as ever.

And maybe when you read my posts you'll say a little prayer, or send a kind thought for the lives, both little and big, taken too early through big or little tragedies.
J

Truth

An acquaintance recently said to me " I have wondered why your group (FCC) goes through so much trouble to keep an identity and culture for your children.  Didn't they all come from a Country that didn't really want them.  I mean, what good is it when they are just American now".  It really was meant as an honest question and in no way was meant to be negative.  Yet, I am saddened to realize that is a perception some people have and I fear that my children will one day feel the same - both not knowing what culture they fit into and wondering if their birth county ever really wanted them.

Well, a few weeks ago I was able to see an amazing documentary with 100+ of my FCC pals that helped to answer that and more.

But I've got to tell you,  I  didn't even want go to see it  when I first learned of it.  I really didn't think I could bear it.  One of my dear friends had commented before we went that she was scared to see it, a fear many couldn't understand. But I could, I felt that fear too....

So you ask why?  What could have made you nervous to see a documentary about children just like yours?

Because I was scared of the truth I may hear, the truth of what we've done. I've always said, and really feel, that in no way did we adopt our children to "save" them.  We were purely selfish in our adoptions, we simply wanted babies and could not have them on our own. The person I did save in this adoption process was myself and what I could have become if I remained childless.  Did we give them a better life....?  Probably, maybe.  But my heart secretly fears that we stole them from their birth countries, took away their ethnic identities - made them Americans when inside they are still Chinese.  So my fear was in what these girls in the movie Somewhere Between would have to tell me, what their truth would be?  Where we right in getting our babies from elsewhere in the world, bringing them home to a culture so different from their birth.  And now, are we right in teaching them about that culture left behind or should they be taught to be "just American"?

I am still not sure I got all the answers, for I feel like each child brings his/her own fears, truths and emotions with adoption.  My adoptive experience is far different from theirs, and each of them have differences in their own adoptive situations.  But I do feel I got a better perspective on what our children may go through as they grow and my fears have been met head on.

The truth is that we will do our best in raising our children in the way we feel is most beneficial for them.
Do I feel that my FCC (Families with Children from China) group is an essential part of my children's life? Oh yes I do.  The girls from Somewhere Between showed me how truly important it is to allow them their Asian identities and to give them as much culture as we can until they can make independent decisions about it. The truth is that giving them both a basis of Chinese culture and the circle of friends just like them will help them to navigate the road ahead and make decisions on who they choose to become.  I will never know how it feels to be not quite American and not quite Chinese, but I can give them the tools to confidently discover all of it on their own.

In some ways I feel the "truth" will be ever changing and evolving, differing with each child and each experience.  I think the truth will never be able to be completely defined or described.  I hope that the adoption, culture and ethnic parts of our families life will be just like all the other parts of parenting....we do what we can and hope our choices are right.  My wish is that both my children understand the love I have for them, and the Countries that allowed me to be their Mama.  I hope they will know as much about being Asian as a totally non-Asian Mom can offer and I that our FCC group helps to fill in the gaps.  I hope that through these choices my children will grow to discover their own truths about their identity and birth culture.  And I hope they feel confident enough in me and the foundation I've laid to allow me to come along for all of their journey.

And that is all I discovered of the truth.  For now....
J

Happy Holidays..........?

I know, the holidays were like...a month ago!

But we've seriously been recuperating from them for  the last few weeks!  It was a loooong drive to Vermont for the four of us.   We were never so happy to be out of a car as when we arrived at my parents house!  What should be a 16 hour drive took over 20, with weather issues and all else that comes with traveling with two kiddos!  But we made it safe and sound and had a really great week in the Northeast Kingdom!

Naturally my little elf child was under the tree in no time!  He truly loves anything and everything Christmas/winter!

  And both my dumplings were beyond thrilled to spend a few days with their cousins! 

  We went ice skating again this year and the kids had a really great time!

 

 Christmas morning arrived quickly and the excitement was in the air for sure!  I think all the kids were very pleased with all that Santa brought....and they must have all made the "nice" list again this year.  Phew!

 Santa was up to his silliness again as well.  The girls made him pictures and he wrote little notes on each, as well as leaving a few crumbs of goodness behind!

 My numero uno elf....Sammy Wei!

 And Simone got what she wanted most of all, Caroline from AG!  Mama would never ever spend that kind of dough on a doll, thankfully Santa was much kinder!

 And we had plenty of snow for outdoor fun! Sammy really loved the snow, we couldn't get him to come inside!

 

  

 Simone liked getting to know the youngest cousin and it was really neat to see how she interacted with her.

 Love the get up - Chinese dress with cowgirl boots for Christmas dinner!  That's my QingLu!

 Snuggles with Papa were the BEST!

 

 And his turkey dinner was a close second!

 

 Love love love this boy!  He makes me smile and my heart feel happy....

 Oh, here was Sammy's biggest treat of the week....snow plowing the drive with Papa!

  And we got a pretty good family photo this year, we are all in it too!

The holidays are always so much fun in Vermont!  But it was good to be home too...
J

The Elf has landed....

Yes, finally.  An Elf has landed at our home. 

For the last few years Simone asked Santa to NOT bring an elf, but this year she totally changed her mind.  And boy has it been fun!  It is the first thing these two look for upon waking and arriving home from school.

This elf, which has been named "Ella" is rather lazy - thank goodness!  I am not up to the challenges of a creative elf, or a naughty one either.  This sweet lady elf just hangs out wherever she chooses and changes positions occasionally to keep us guessing.

And just look how she's sitting on our Latke (potato pancake) platter.  Oh yes Ella, I get the humor of this contradiction ....

 Sometimes she literally just hangs around....

We don't technically celebrate Christmas in our house, so there is no tree or Christmas gear.  But Santa Clause does visit with presents when we are up North with my family, so we thought an elf would be a fun visitor.

And from the adult in the house's standpoint....these elves are great.   If the kids are getting naughty or not playing nice, well Ella will surely report that nonsense to the big fellow up North!  And if I forget to do something, I blame Ella for undoing it, because certainly I would never have forgotten!  And most awesome....If I eat the last chocolate in the candy jar or finish off some body's brownie I say  "well obviously Ella did it while you were sleeping"!

So we have landed us an elf this Holiday Season.  Hope she comes around next year, and that we still have two "believers" in the family.

Happy Holidays.
J

A Very Happy Thanksgiving

We had a very very happy Thanksgiving and continued the tradition of gathering with Adam's family!  We went to the Washington D.C. area for our celebrating this year.  We had so many family members there for the weekend ---  it was good crazy fun!  

Here's my little turkey at his Thanksgiving feast at school.  Isn't he gobble-itous!

On Wednesday we traveled to the cousin house where the kiddos got right down to having giggle together!

Then we all met up for dinner.  Poor restaurant, it may never recover from our clan of 12 adults and 10 kiddos!  We had great service and a wonderful time though!

Then we just hung out all weekend, playing, pouting, swimming and just being together!

My Brother & Sister in-laws hosted this year and did a wonderful job of course!  The appetizers were delicious, the drinks were flowing and the dinner was amazing!   They did a new twist on dinner with individual pot pies (soy/veggie based) and mushroom risotto, green beans with almonds, plus many more yummy dishes. 

On Friday we decided to take our 2 downtown via the Metro!  One cousin joined in and others met us there.  What a fabulous time we had!  

We started in the Smithsonian and walked around enjoying the beautiful day.

Then ventured to the Air & Space Museum, requested of course by Sammy!

Where he got to sit in the cockpit of a Cessna and turn the rudders!  He was in HEAVEN!

After that we stopped for a delicious lunch of pretzels & soda - it was just the right D.C. kind of lunch!

Of course seeing the sites for Sammy meant construction sites!  He didn't care two bits about the monmuments...nope, he wanted to see the roller and grader!

But we finally got him off and moving toward the Washington Monument.  (So maybe we promised ice cream if he walked the rest of the way....whatever works, right?)

Cousins....

My sweet boy....

Later that day we went to another cousin house for a big get-together.  There was more food, family and friends there, the kids having a blast and the adults catching up with family and friends alike!

We got our annual "cousins" photo on the couch!  Boy they are all getting so big!

And we got a goofy one as well...

And a final one of just some adorable kiddos.   Love these family times!

Thanksgiving 2012 -  family style!  I'm so lucky to have married into such a wonderful and close family!  Makes me miss my own family, but I know I'll be seeing them soon!
J